Dalvado's World

Here I am again, a tad off schedule but writing none the less.

The RLLMUK Meet went well for me. I think I learned from the experience before and generally things felt smoother. I was able to talk just that little bit more and I didn’t get away with sitting away in a corner and being quiet. This was mostly due to the fact that we all were able to sit round one large table. After meeting up with Paula and Nick (nice chap) at the beginning of the day and doing some shopping, we were off for lunch and the day truly began. Three o’clock and we arrived at the Devonshire Cat and waited for others to come. This was my time to sample some exotic beers. Now I’m no drinker, I can only take so much anyway so tipsy is probably the most drunk state you’ll see me in. I also don’t get to sample many of those there fancy beers. People gathered and by about four o’clock most of the people were there and drinking, chatting and playing DS games via wi-fi. While that was fun the strangest part of the night came later. Oh the funniest thing said to me that night was when the group split at midnight. I was asked if I’d be joining some of the group and come dancing! Oh the hilarity that ensued inside my head at the thought of me dancing.
For the first time in my life I had an Indian meal at midnight! It also happened to be the first time I’d been in an Indian restaurant. Oh I’ve lived haven’t I? While the food was good the service was rude and they tended to keep looking at their watches waiting for us to leave. No one was rowdy so I didn’t see the problem with us being there. Anyway after that it was off to Paula and Steve’s and some late night Guitar Hero 2. I am still shit at that game. I went to bed at 4am which is late for me at this moment in time. I stayed over at P and S’s so that was a new experience too. Methinks they might regret me sleeping on the sofa at some point.

After that the week was uneventful. I had to cancel my CBT on Wednesday as I had another headache. The rest of the time seems to have been recovering from the meet that weekend.

Until next time.

Hooray I’m writing a week and a bit after the last post!

This despite again feeling iffy. Although this time it’s not all too do with the usual issues. This week was going to be restart week part 12 (that number was random really) and I’d be back on target. Sunday though I was feeling a bit off and it wasn’t due to depression. I was feeling tired and I thought I might be coming down with something. I dropped off to sleep in the evening and missed my regular Surreal FM fix for the evening. Then I couldn’t sleep for all but two hours for the rest of the night. To make things worse (warning, possibly sensitive readers may want to skip this) the gum at the hinge of my teeth was swelling up. Now this isn’t unusual as sometimes I get a nut or hard bit of food find it’s way there sometimes and this happens. However this time I was getting a headache and possibly a swollen gland on my neck. So Monday was spent staying in much to my guilt. Still I got to watch an omnibus of Doctor Who and ‘The Terror of The Autons’ which I believe was the first Master appearance. Fantastic stuff and it helped me put my mind off my mouth. I got a small nap later on and then proceeded to have a decent night’s sleep. While it’s gone now and my sleeping is regular now it’s left me with another week trying to cope with tiredness and adjusting again.

This isn’t good as it’s meant not being able to stick to my plan and also not seeing my mum this week. As soft as it sounds I miss her since leaving home and my weekly visit is something I look forward to. I’m hoping on Saturday (or tomorrow from this post) I’ll go for a walk in the park if the weather permits.

This coming week is a busy one, I have not one but two appointments with various people. I have my Psychiatric Nurse on Monday afternoon. Not seen him for a while, it’ll be interesting to see what he says about the whole CV issue. Then on Wednesday I get to see a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist for an evaluation. I’ve seen so many different forms of psychiatric people over the years it’s hard to keep track of who does what! OK I’ve had a CBT before but she had to leave the service before we finished. I didn’t get to see anyone else as where I used to live only had one qualified CBT for a large district! Thankfully (I think, this is the NHS we’re talking about so nothing’s certain) living in Sheffield seems to mean I’ve been able to see someone quicker this time. Anyway, we’ll see what can be done now but it seems the consultant I saw thought I still might need it. On Friday I get to meet up with my brother to watch Casino Royale together and finally on Saturday is another RLLMUK Sheffield Meet! Steve and Paula will be with me again so I’m safe(?) it seems.

As for the job thing, I’m going to leave it for the moment and see what I think after Christmas. I’ll admit I still want to avoid it but it has to be done. I have a plan as to how I go about it but I think I’ll say no more for now.

Until next time.

It’s been another roller coaster.

I’d been feeling rather shit again after the last post all those months back. The whole job thing put me down but I went back to normal again. I found focus when Microsoft brought out the XNA Game Studio Beta as it meant I had had something to do. I’ve been following some video tutorials from Joran Omark’s XNATutorial.com and that’s been a help I can tell you. I’ve always been uncertain exactly how much I can take in, these tutorials have helped me realise that I am understanding many concepts and I’m starting to fill in the gaps when needed. It’s kept me going and it’s kept me to a schedule and structure that I need. Well that was until recently, things seem to have dipped again for no reason that I can think of. About three weeks ago or so I lost the rhythm again.

I’d thought I’d gotten back on track again after going to the Richard Jacques: SEGA: A Retrospective concert in Nottingham on the 28th October. That put a huge massive grin on my face throughout the whole occasion. I was joined by a fellow Surreal FM member and his missus too so I’d met someone else new in the flesh. So to speak. It was very enjoyable and the music played brought back some really happy memories of days gone by. Which in many ways could be considered quite sad the good days from the past are days not involving other folk. It’s amazing though how much the musical experience allows me to remember the games so well. In fact I used to tape the music from way back in the Megadrive days and listen to them. Yes you snobs the MD sound chip wasn’t great but when used well it made some good music. Anyway after the concert I was tired out and didn’t feel like staying in Nottingham much longer. There were works on the rail line in Chesterfield which had delayed things a tad, so I was thinking of that too. I went back on the next train home after leaving my fellow Surrealist. I got back for about 5pm and then just had a rest.
Over the near last two weeks things have gotten back to where they were before Nottingham. I felt tired just about through the week, it didn’t help that my sleeping patterns were off. There’s another thing which I perhaps regret mentioning in my forum. I applied for a job the Monday before the Richard Jacques concert. I’d gone out and felt good about it, so after getting my hair cut ready for Saturday (as much as I like ‘The Hoff’ look I think it scares others) I walked around the city centre and looked in the window of a certain store. Now this seems to be a ritual of mine, I sometimes take the opportunity to walk by and look. It seems that strangely I see myself being comfortable selling electronics equipment to people. I don’t know why that would be, I’m a shy fellow at heart and as you’ve read meeting strangers is difficult for me. Yet whenever I’ve thought about taking my first steps into work I think this could be good. Perhaps I’m influenced by my younger brother once working for the same store and enjoying it there. I like helping people though and I have an interest in electronics. I’ve worked a lot on my ‘act’ when talking to other people. I can try to hide the anxiety and it seems to work for a good period of time. So I thought this could last when working as a sales assistant. Anyway, on a high after going out I immediately completed a CV and covering letter and sent it off when I got back. The ‘going out’ high seems to do this sometimes, don’t know why.

It’s now been two weeks since I sent those off and I haven’t heard or read a word from them. Every day I go to the door after the post arrived like an overexcited dog. Thing is that I know I shouldn’t be disappointed, I knew this would happen. I could picture it all along, “Nah, I don’t think so he’s got nothing on anyone else” they’d say to themselves. I was perhaps expecting at least a letter with the stock “I’m sorry we do not feel you are what we are looking for” and then maybe a “We wish you luck in your efforts to find work and overcome your anxiety” as a softener to the blow. Now I just see them reading the first paragraph and chucking it in the bin.
I was told by my CPN that I should do it no matter what and if I get rejected I can move on and try again. As I said I could see me getting rejected. Why am I so disappointed at being right? Has this affected me deep down? I don’t find myself thinking about it too much, but my mood hasn’t exactly great over the last week waiting for a reply and it dawning on me that there’ll be nothing. Now I find myself contemplating going this other route I had planned, yet that now fills me with dread as I worry I won’t get what I want and I’ll be stuck in a job I don’t really want. This other route by the way is finding a job broker specialised in dealing with someone like myself.

To end on a lighter note, it’s the RLLMUK Sheffield Meet 4 at the end of the month so I have that to look forward to. I’ll see if I make inroads with other folk now that I can use my previous experience in July. We’ll see how that goes.

I hope to be updating the blog more often now. At least once a week even if it’s a few sentences to say “Meh!” I suppose if you come here regularly you know what to expect so I shouldn’t be too worried about what I write. I should finally have finished some reviews I started so look out for those out of date reviews soon.

Until next time.

Well, if anyone passing by was expecting to read about me having a better time is going to be sorely disappointed. Sorry for it being that way, if you don’t want to read on I’ll understand.

That, dear reader is a fine example of my mood at the moment, I’m feeling incredibly sorry for myself. It’s the whole reason that I don’t write as often as I should. No one really wants to read any of this do they?

Anyway, the past two weeks have been a continuation of the previous weeks. Except I seem to be falling back further. More and more I don’t seem to think about going out and doing anything. More and more I seem to feel so tired and out of energy. Which seems odd considering I’m not doing anything to tire myself out. I went out last Saturday for to see my mum for her birthday and then I saw a fair bit of my brother Ryan as he’s now back up in Sheffield. I went out on Tuesday and that’s when things went downhill again. After the obligatory birthday meal we went into the city centre to look for stuff for Ryan to spend his cash on. After about half an hour I split up and went around my usual browsing session around the shops. I exited and stopped outside one particular store and looked at the job vacancies board out of interest. I seem to like to do this to myself, some form of torture perhaps. I’ll spot something I like the look of and then think over and over about it until it’s too late or I give up. Same thing happened here, I spotted a job in audio and TV where I might just be interested in taking a job. So I start thinking about it, I don’t go back into the shop I just walk away and start thinking. I’m thinking so much that I don’t feel like moving around too much and sit on a bench somewhere. I’m thinking I might do this, but then the other thoughts come. “Are you ready yet?”, “I’ve never done this before, where do I start?”, “I don’t have a suit and I’ll never look tidy enough”, “How will I really cope with colleagues and will I survive?”, “What if I’m clumsy and don’t do the job properly?, “I’ll never pass the interview, how do I explain me being 25 and having no work? How do I put a positive spin on my depression and anxiety attacks?”, “What if I get too tired and can’t work?”

It’s the same every bloody time and I’m thinking about it through the afternoon and evening. In fact it spills through to the next morning. This is the time due to Bank Holidays and birthdays where I have to go on a big shop for the week. Except my mind is distracted so much I can’t prepare myself to go out and I get a panic attack. Which in turn tires me out and I then feel in no fit shape to go out. Which was a pain for my gran as she really needs me to go with her. I don’t like doing this and the feelings of guilt mean it adds to the panic attack. She goes out and buys stuff for a day like I ask her to, so there’s not too much to buy. I’m not happy with that though. My whole objective living here was to be as unobtrusive as possible. Since then I’ve lost my schedule to the past few days and I’ve woken up late and I’ve felt tired and grumpy again. I finally managed to get out on Saturday for a weekend shop but I didn’t go out for the rest of the day. I’d planned on maybe going to the store again and checking on whether that job was still there.

So at the moment I write this I’m feeling crap. I feel like a failure again and there’s no evidence to dispel the negative thoughts I’m having. This being the thing I’ve been told by so many Psychiatric Nurses over the years. I’m trying to get back to normal on Monday and start the week with a positive start. Could even check to see that job’s still there. I suppose I do have some sturdy enough resolve so that I don’t drift completely off and never bother to do anything. Maybe that’s a positive but it never really seems like a help to me beyond a certain point.

As always it’s “We’ll see how it goes.” Until I write again readers…

Hello once more loyal readers. It’s been a while since my last posting in June but truth be told there hasn’t been much to talk about.

First up there was the wonderful scare I got with some blood pressure tests. It remains shall we say, a tad high at the moment and I found myself having to go get a test done every month from April to July. This eventually ended up with a blood test and ECG. Nothing wrong bar my weight being slightly higher than it should be. Not really anything surprising there and it’s something I know I have to work on.

Secondly, I had a late birthday lunch with my wonderful friends (I’m really gushing here) Paula and Steve. They even got me Rockstar’s Table Tennis game as a pressie! That was somewhat unexpected to say the least but much appreciated. It’s surprisingly good fun, but you can read my review when I put it up.

Now we come to the reason behind the title of the post. As you may know from reading my earlier post, I have moved home and live with my gran in Sheffield. This was to be part of a new chapter in my life. Now all has been going fairly well for the most part but I am worried about me dropping back a bit. I’ve been doing fairly well on progressing through my first stage of the five stage plan detailed before. I was making heady progress in going out once a day for five days consecutively. In fact I actually made five at one point. Then I got a bit tired and I’ve started to drop off a bit. I’m making three out of seven at most at the moment, which is fine but it could be better.

This of course does concern me. Parts of my plan, like taking a half-hour walk in the park once a day are not going as planned. I get to feel very tired and when I tell myself to do it I put myself off by worrying about falling down tired and that I feel I just can’t move. I’m told by my Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) that this is due to the monotonous routine of doing doing this everyday that puts me off. I’d tend to agree there as there’s very little excitement due for me there. The problem I have is that my original motivation for the walks – to improve my stamina levels and get fit – don’t seem to be enough to for me to go ahead with the walks.

There’s this other problem to. The exercises and projects I wanted to set myself to do every day. Namely after going for the walk sit down in front of the computer, read the latest news in computing and tech and then try the projects in my computer magazines or perhaps learn some more C++ and try some home brew games of my own. Maybe due to the lack of walking some chemical – I’m guessing is endorphin I can’t find any reference to another – isn’t running around my head but I just seem to tire out and my brain just shuts down and wants no more. I noticed in the past that after walking before it does improve things slightly, so I based my presumption that the walk would do good on this. It seems to be the usual case of what I believe to be understanding what I’m doing but something else slows me down. I’m told by my CPN that this would improve if I were working as my brain won’t get bored then. That might be the case but it seems like a vicious cycle. I certainly hate not doing anything and it adds to my general stress levels if I do wake up late one day and feel too tired to do anything.

Which of course brings me to work and my confusion once more. I nearly was able to possibly get something but it passed me by. When the idea came up for work it did excite me in many ways, I thought maybe I could do this. Unfortunately for me this would have had to have been full time work which I was worried that I might not be ready for. Plus there’s the whole having to deal with the public angle which this retail based option. I thought I might be able to handle it as I’ve been OK with folk on Xbox Live for some time now. I’d use my experience from drama to try and hide all the crap and look more confident.

I’m looking into it anyway but I just don’t know how long it might be before I do get into some work. I’ll admit that I feel there’s unfinished business with further education, so I’d still want to see about trying that and not be stuck in one job. I had a possible offer of something from someone after I did a bit of help with some computers. I’m still not sure what it was though but I declined at the time worrying I’d get stuck doing only a certain type of IT work. I’ll admit I was tempted though.

Anyway, that’s me for the moment. I’ll try keep posting as regularly as possible but there’s no promises mind.

As perhaps most of you known I am a member of the famed gaming forum RLLMUK. On Saturday, June 3rd 2006 they held their third Sheffield meeting. This was the time to test my abilities to go out and meet new people in a large group. Joining was Paula and Steve, who were there as a guide for me.

Read the rest of this entry »

How long is it now since I last posted? A month? Yes indeed it has been and it’s been a tad eventful. I’ve been to Paula and Steve’s house for the first time and met one of Paula’s friends. I’ve been to the optician for the first time in perhaps five or six years! I’ve finally been able to make my mind up and buy some clothes and the big one: The RLLMUK Forum Sheffield Meet! Read the rest of this entry »