My previous post was full of optimism and obviously for a good reason, I had just started my voluntary work and I had just been on a successful meet. Now though, a good two months after that last post I can’t say I can add any bright news. My mood has suddenly gone down again and in many respects I can’t explain why. There have been a few cases where it would be understandable but in others there isn’t anything that I can pinpoint.
My much loved great grandmother died in September and there’s one thing I regret and that was I hadn’t seen her for such a long time. Unfortunately, around the last time I saw her eight years ago I had started to drop into my deep depression years were I had just not done anything and then the anxieties of seeing someone I haven’t seen in some time had developed too. I was just on the verge of telling myself I was ready to visit my great grandmother again when she died.
During the last few months I have also been expected to find answers to family problems. I can’t even sort out my own problems at times and to have the expectations of others and have to be right and not cause a catastrophe by being wrong is a huge weight on my shoulders at the moment. By no means is this me making a mountain out of a mole hill, there are a few decisions some family members are wanting my help with which I seem to be the only person they are going to for help on some important issues and I can’t think of what to do. I dare not get it wrong as it may cause problems for them.
I’ve also had this great feeling of loneliness for over a month now. When I’d finish an afternoon at the charity shop I’d go home on the bus and start thinking about how lonely I really am. I’d see other people and while I don’t think everyone’s as happy as they seem, I still see other more sociable people together and at least having some company and enjoying it. I look at me and see someone who struggles to say much to anyone. I took the step of looking for guidance on small talk and making friends and while I get the concepts I can’t seem to do it in practice. I’ve even been struggling to get online and talk to people now. The online gaming world moves so quickly onto the next new game I can’t keep up with them and I’m left behind. Now, even though someone is playing something I have I don’t seem to go onto it. I just can’t seem to think what to play either and now just do nothing. Which some might say, “Oh, then you can go onto other interests now you’ve grown up then.”
Except that nothing at the moment seems to interest me. I don’t care for watching TV at the minute as very little interests me. Even when it does I can’t seem to drum up the enthusiasm to watch it. I’m so far behind on the stuff I do like. I don’t really know what music to look for either. Those who look at my last.fm profile can see it’s somewhat eclectic, downright bizarre in places but I do know what I like but never where to go. Yes, there are reviews and recommendations but I never get round to listening. Other interests like gadgets and computing I find myself whizzing through news stories without much care at the moment.
I’ve also faced failures in other ventures. I’ve found it difficult to be creative at the moment. I’ve had several projects on the go which I wanted to do but have stalled at the moment. My computer game project isn’t getting anywhere despite at least the odd idea still in my mind. I intended to do a podcast but that failed miserably because I didn’t think it through properly and also because I couldn’t recapture my sketch writing of many years back.
So there I am at the moment. I may have a few excuses to feel sad but the other matters like loneliness and the lack of creativity I just can’t explain at the moment. I should be still on the way up and yet I feel I’m stuck or falling back a bit. I’ve not been to the charity shop regularly now for a few weeks and I’m dropping into late mornings again.
I don’t mean this to be a cry for help to anyone reading. I don’t expect people to come rushing to me and give their sympathy. I’m just posting this to keep people informed in a quiet way. I just hope I’m not falling back again.