Finally, there is some good news!
I have a plan and I think I’ve just about made it to tier three. Just so you know, before I moved away from home I made a plan and tier one was moving away from my home town, tier two was to get out and about to be fit and ready to make it to tier three… going into voluntary work! Yes, after many delays and what I consider to be off schedule I have finally gotten myself a job in a charity shop. It’s been a good three months since I applied and I didn’t know what to do about trying to push things along when the manager was off at the same time I applied. I’m now on it though and as you saw on my Facebook status message on Friday, I was feeling very pleased with myself for once.
I have been having cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) since late April I think. I think some of the methods are working now thanks to some of the progress I’ve made. Yes, I had CBT a long time back but I was never able to follow up as I’d just be stuck back at home before and got nowhere. Now I’m able to remember what is being said and am less dismissive of my ability to follow. The CBT has basically been about looking at what causes the anxiety and then challenging it. Mostly this is through the use of diagrams and brainstorming. I’ve gradually been able to think through some of what I’m thinking and it’s lead to this next step being taken in my life. I had been set the task of not phoning the shop, but to actually make myself be present. This was proving to be tough for me, even though I had been into the shop for an informal chat before. The thoughts going through my head were those of "have I left it too late?", "Am I being too inconsiderate?", "Am I nagging?", "I should know what I’m doing but I don’t". My first attempt failed as I was on the bus and as the stop came up to get off I found myself routed to the seat. Now, I could have forced myself off if the bus fare made me, but the fare I pay actually extends to the city centre so I could stay on until then. This allowed my mind to tell me to stay on and calm myself down and eventually forget about going. Which I couldn’t really do as so much as I wanted to as eventually it would come back to me and I’d be kicking myself for not doing it.
I gradually talked this over with my therapist and we looked at the effects of the anxiety and how to counter it. What helped this time was that I forced myself to walk to the chemist (I needed to go anyway) and after that I’d walk the short distance to the shop. I nearly turned back but this time I was telling myself that I must go, and that my thoughts were irrational and that I didn’t like it when others were irrational so why should I allow myself to be? So I was able to make it this time by being stronger before and using what I had been taught, along with my "scientific" side that was telling me to look at what I was thinking. Yes, that is indeed contradictory I realise that, but that’s what’s been so odd about me for a while. I was able to make it to the shop, ask what was going on and then just like that, I had been offered two shifts starting this week. I was a tad nervous and missed a joke being made, but I think I got away with it. Sure, I keep looking back at that, but the overall pride with getting through means I can put it aside.
Now I shall see how long it takes to get to tier four which is where things could get complicated: part-time paid work and education/training. I’ll probably need some career advice before that and there is one thing I’m worried about. I may be told something I don’t want to hear, yet I know that I am probably going to hear it. That the job I once felt I could do is well out of my reach now, because of my past problems with anxiety. Am I truly prepared for it?