Dalvado's World

Hooray I’m writing a week and a bit after the last post!

This despite again feeling iffy. Although this time it’s not all too do with the usual issues. This week was going to be restart week part 12 (that number was random really) and I’d be back on target. Sunday though I was feeling a bit off and it wasn’t due to depression. I was feeling tired and I thought I might be coming down with something. I dropped off to sleep in the evening and missed my regular Surreal FM fix for the evening. Then I couldn’t sleep for all but two hours for the rest of the night. To make things worse (warning, possibly sensitive readers may want to skip this) the gum at the hinge of my teeth was swelling up. Now this isn’t unusual as sometimes I get a nut or hard bit of food find it’s way there sometimes and this happens. However this time I was getting a headache and possibly a swollen gland on my neck. So Monday was spent staying in much to my guilt. Still I got to watch an omnibus of Doctor Who and ‘The Terror of The Autons’ which I believe was the first Master appearance. Fantastic stuff and it helped me put my mind off my mouth. I got a small nap later on and then proceeded to have a decent night’s sleep. While it’s gone now and my sleeping is regular now it’s left me with another week trying to cope with tiredness and adjusting again.

This isn’t good as it’s meant not being able to stick to my plan and also not seeing my mum this week. As soft as it sounds I miss her since leaving home and my weekly visit is something I look forward to. I’m hoping on Saturday (or tomorrow from this post) I’ll go for a walk in the park if the weather permits.

This coming week is a busy one, I have not one but two appointments with various people. I have my Psychiatric Nurse on Monday afternoon. Not seen him for a while, it’ll be interesting to see what he says about the whole CV issue. Then on Wednesday I get to see a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist for an evaluation. I’ve seen so many different forms of psychiatric people over the years it’s hard to keep track of who does what! OK I’ve had a CBT before but she had to leave the service before we finished. I didn’t get to see anyone else as where I used to live only had one qualified CBT for a large district! Thankfully (I think, this is the NHS we’re talking about so nothing’s certain) living in Sheffield seems to mean I’ve been able to see someone quicker this time. Anyway, we’ll see what can be done now but it seems the consultant I saw thought I still might need it. On Friday I get to meet up with my brother to watch Casino Royale together and finally on Saturday is another RLLMUK Sheffield Meet! Steve and Paula will be with me again so I’m safe(?) it seems.

As for the job thing, I’m going to leave it for the moment and see what I think after Christmas. I’ll admit I still want to avoid it but it has to be done. I have a plan as to how I go about it but I think I’ll say no more for now.

Until next time.

It’s been another roller coaster.

I’d been feeling rather shit again after the last post all those months back. The whole job thing put me down but I went back to normal again. I found focus when Microsoft brought out the XNA Game Studio Beta as it meant I had had something to do. I’ve been following some video tutorials from Joran Omark’s XNATutorial.com and that’s been a help I can tell you. I’ve always been uncertain exactly how much I can take in, these tutorials have helped me realise that I am understanding many concepts and I’m starting to fill in the gaps when needed. It’s kept me going and it’s kept me to a schedule and structure that I need. Well that was until recently, things seem to have dipped again for no reason that I can think of. About three weeks ago or so I lost the rhythm again.

I’d thought I’d gotten back on track again after going to the Richard Jacques: SEGA: A Retrospective concert in Nottingham on the 28th October. That put a huge massive grin on my face throughout the whole occasion. I was joined by a fellow Surreal FM member and his missus too so I’d met someone else new in the flesh. So to speak. It was very enjoyable and the music played brought back some really happy memories of days gone by. Which in many ways could be considered quite sad the good days from the past are days not involving other folk. It’s amazing though how much the musical experience allows me to remember the games so well. In fact I used to tape the music from way back in the Megadrive days and listen to them. Yes you snobs the MD sound chip wasn’t great but when used well it made some good music. Anyway after the concert I was tired out and didn’t feel like staying in Nottingham much longer. There were works on the rail line in Chesterfield which had delayed things a tad, so I was thinking of that too. I went back on the next train home after leaving my fellow Surrealist. I got back for about 5pm and then just had a rest.
Over the near last two weeks things have gotten back to where they were before Nottingham. I felt tired just about through the week, it didn’t help that my sleeping patterns were off. There’s another thing which I perhaps regret mentioning in my forum. I applied for a job the Monday before the Richard Jacques concert. I’d gone out and felt good about it, so after getting my hair cut ready for Saturday (as much as I like ‘The Hoff’ look I think it scares others) I walked around the city centre and looked in the window of a certain store. Now this seems to be a ritual of mine, I sometimes take the opportunity to walk by and look. It seems that strangely I see myself being comfortable selling electronics equipment to people. I don’t know why that would be, I’m a shy fellow at heart and as you’ve read meeting strangers is difficult for me. Yet whenever I’ve thought about taking my first steps into work I think this could be good. Perhaps I’m influenced by my younger brother once working for the same store and enjoying it there. I like helping people though and I have an interest in electronics. I’ve worked a lot on my ‘act’ when talking to other people. I can try to hide the anxiety and it seems to work for a good period of time. So I thought this could last when working as a sales assistant. Anyway, on a high after going out I immediately completed a CV and covering letter and sent it off when I got back. The ‘going out’ high seems to do this sometimes, don’t know why.

It’s now been two weeks since I sent those off and I haven’t heard or read a word from them. Every day I go to the door after the post arrived like an overexcited dog. Thing is that I know I shouldn’t be disappointed, I knew this would happen. I could picture it all along, “Nah, I don’t think so he’s got nothing on anyone else” they’d say to themselves. I was perhaps expecting at least a letter with the stock “I’m sorry we do not feel you are what we are looking for” and then maybe a “We wish you luck in your efforts to find work and overcome your anxiety” as a softener to the blow. Now I just see them reading the first paragraph and chucking it in the bin.
I was told by my CPN that I should do it no matter what and if I get rejected I can move on and try again. As I said I could see me getting rejected. Why am I so disappointed at being right? Has this affected me deep down? I don’t find myself thinking about it too much, but my mood hasn’t exactly great over the last week waiting for a reply and it dawning on me that there’ll be nothing. Now I find myself contemplating going this other route I had planned, yet that now fills me with dread as I worry I won’t get what I want and I’ll be stuck in a job I don’t really want. This other route by the way is finding a job broker specialised in dealing with someone like myself.

To end on a lighter note, it’s the RLLMUK Sheffield Meet 4 at the end of the month so I have that to look forward to. I’ll see if I make inroads with other folk now that I can use my previous experience in July. We’ll see how that goes.

I hope to be updating the blog more often now. At least once a week even if it’s a few sentences to say “Meh!” I suppose if you come here regularly you know what to expect so I shouldn’t be too worried about what I write. I should finally have finished some reviews I started so look out for those out of date reviews soon.

Until next time.