Well, if anyone passing by was expecting to read about me having a better time is going to be sorely disappointed. Sorry for it being that way, if you don’t want to read on I’ll understand.
That, dear reader is a fine example of my mood at the moment, I’m feeling incredibly sorry for myself. It’s the whole reason that I don’t write as often as I should. No one really wants to read any of this do they?
Anyway, the past two weeks have been a continuation of the previous weeks. Except I seem to be falling back further. More and more I don’t seem to think about going out and doing anything. More and more I seem to feel so tired and out of energy. Which seems odd considering I’m not doing anything to tire myself out. I went out last Saturday for to see my mum for her birthday and then I saw a fair bit of my brother Ryan as he’s now back up in Sheffield. I went out on Tuesday and that’s when things went downhill again. After the obligatory birthday meal we went into the city centre to look for stuff for Ryan to spend his cash on. After about half an hour I split up and went around my usual browsing session around the shops. I exited and stopped outside one particular store and looked at the job vacancies board out of interest. I seem to like to do this to myself, some form of torture perhaps. I’ll spot something I like the look of and then think over and over about it until it’s too late or I give up. Same thing happened here, I spotted a job in audio and TV where I might just be interested in taking a job. So I start thinking about it, I don’t go back into the shop I just walk away and start thinking. I’m thinking so much that I don’t feel like moving around too much and sit on a bench somewhere. I’m thinking I might do this, but then the other thoughts come. “Are you ready yet?”, “I’ve never done this before, where do I start?”, “I don’t have a suit and I’ll never look tidy enough”, “How will I really cope with colleagues and will I survive?”, “What if I’m clumsy and don’t do the job properly?, “I’ll never pass the interview, how do I explain me being 25 and having no work? How do I put a positive spin on my depression and anxiety attacks?”, “What if I get too tired and can’t work?”
It’s the same every bloody time and I’m thinking about it through the afternoon and evening. In fact it spills through to the next morning. This is the time due to Bank Holidays and birthdays where I have to go on a big shop for the week. Except my mind is distracted so much I can’t prepare myself to go out and I get a panic attack. Which in turn tires me out and I then feel in no fit shape to go out. Which was a pain for my gran as she really needs me to go with her. I don’t like doing this and the feelings of guilt mean it adds to the panic attack. She goes out and buys stuff for a day like I ask her to, so there’s not too much to buy. I’m not happy with that though. My whole objective living here was to be as unobtrusive as possible. Since then I’ve lost my schedule to the past few days and I’ve woken up late and I’ve felt tired and grumpy again. I finally managed to get out on Saturday for a weekend shop but I didn’t go out for the rest of the day. I’d planned on maybe going to the store again and checking on whether that job was still there.
So at the moment I write this I’m feeling crap. I feel like a failure again and there’s no evidence to dispel the negative thoughts I’m having. This being the thing I’ve been told by so many Psychiatric Nurses over the years. I’m trying to get back to normal on Monday and start the week with a positive start. Could even check to see that job’s still there. I suppose I do have some sturdy enough resolve so that I don’t drift completely off and never bother to do anything. Maybe that’s a positive but it never really seems like a help to me beyond a certain point.
As always it’s “We’ll see how it goes.” Until I write again readers…