Dalvado's World

I must warn you before I start that with this post you could say I am rather being cowardly. I’m hoping very few people read this blog though so it’ll be ignored by many people I know. If you are the person/people involved and you’re reading this, I am very sorry for not being straight with you in the first place.

As you may know I’m a bit lacking in the social skills department. Yes, things are improving very slowly over time but I still have my quirks. Seeing as I do naff all with my life at the minute I never thought I’d use a social network like Facebook. There’s not really much for me to post and while I know what it’s there for, I’m not sure what contribution I could make other than the odd “hello” and “how are you doing?”. I did join it eventually as I’ve made some friends through RLLMUK and the meets. I did originally have great apprehension about joining Facebook as I thought I might be found by someone from my school days. Why? Well I dropped off the radar to everyone who knew me and with good reason. Well, a good reason for me anyway, I didn’t want to admit I was a complete failure and that the anxiety and following depression had taken things over so much. I didn’t want to see the smirks on certain people’s faces as I told them what had become of me. I didn’t want those who really hated me enough to be able to get to me. I never felt like I had friends so I thought no one wanted anything to do with me. It was the reason I rarely left the house on my own, so I could avoid bumping into everyone I knew. OK, I left the house on my own to go into Sheffield for college and other stuff but my home town was off limits.

I had been on Facebook since November and I hadn’t had friend request from anyone I knew. At the beginning of June though, someone found me and at first I was shitting bricks. Yes, I know all about blocking people, yet I didn’t feel like I could. I felt, seeing as someone was interested and went out of the way to find me, that I should reply. I was also thinking this could be the stupidest thing I’d done online. I was potentially opening the floodgates for others and I’d be exposed to attack. Why would anyone want to contact me after so long and why now? Is there an ulterior motive to wanting to contact me? I didn’t see myself as someone that anyone who knew me would want to know anymore. In the end I did accept, answered the initial question of what I’d been doing and passed off a vague line about what I was doing as work. I don’t want to lie, so I neither told the whole truth, but I didn’t lie either. No catastrophe happened and life goes on as normal.

There is this strange, niggling feeling I’m getting though. As I said, I had now opened the gate to allow for anyone who knows this person to see me on their list and remind them I exist. Yet, I find myself not being relieved at the complete lack of others trying to contact me. I find myself feeling quite sad that they aren’t. I’ve searched this person’s friends list and looked at the profiles that I can, reminding myself of those I knew. I also find myself edging towards the “Add ### as a friend” button for some of them that I didn’t have bad memories of. Yet, I just don’t know what to say to them, I can’t think of how to start it and I’m still afraid of the responses. It’s been so long ago now that I just don’t know what’s going to happen and as you know I don’t like the unknown.

Is there some kind of bizarre longing of acceptance that I’m wanting from those that knew me from the past? Am I really wanting there to be someone out there that wants to know me from my past? I wanted to be left alone and now I don’t, what is going on in my head?

Hello once again exceptionally loyal reader(s). It’s been a while hasn’t it? As might well be fitting this newest entry will be about another one of those Sheffield Meets.

I think I’ve had a mixed bag of feelings with previous meets. Some meets I’ve been reasonably happy with myself. However as you might have noted from previous reports I wasn’t happy about several things. One being that I didn’t really know how to mingle and that I’d withdraw from most people. I was basically sticking to the old “waiting for them come to me” ideal. Which of course isn’t that sociable but that was what happened to me when I had made friends in the past. This time I decided that I should mingle a little more and move about between the tables and people at the meet. I think I did OK in the end, sometimes I’d just introduce myself and just let the conversation go with a few others, sometimes I would actually say something more. Maybe this is normal for some people I don’t know but I did reasonably well.

After a um… an alcohol influenced chat at the tram stop about intelligent women being more ideal and satisfying in the long run and what really is the problem with Lisa Snowdon in the RLLMUK Female Form thread (I mean come on) we ventured to Mitchell’s flat to destroy floors play some games. There was not any conspiracy to cover anything up guv’nor I do say. Ahem… etc. Where was I? Oh yes the Wii is still fun and Singstar brings out the worst best in me via the styling of William Shatner. Never will Pink’s “Like a Pill” be seen in the same light by so many people. The later evening is usually when I find a corner to sit in and stay there hoping someone has pity on me and comes over. This time the mingling did continue, so again very happy.

Overall not a bad performance.

Now as anyone who caught it will know, I’m trying to get into this podcasting lark myself.

My podcast will be based on a comedy radio show I used to do to entertain my family. I’ll be changing what I would have done to make it OK to post to the world, in this case it was just using music that wouldn’t be licensed for me to use. Plus, my more ’satirical’ elements may well have to be toned down. I want to keep it all legal so unlicensed music and any libellous or too out there may have to go.

Anyway this is where the plea comes in. I need podsafe music to be able to put on my podcast. I’m no musician, so I can’t do it myself. Luckily there are sites that offer podsafe music, but I’m hoping to have some more customised music for the title music. What I did before was find a suitable piece of music from my CD collection, or record game music. In fact the title music I used was from the Sega Saturn game Baku Baku Animal!

Anyway, soon I will be posting excerpts from past radio shows to give you an idea of what the show will be like. See what you think and then get in contact if you have any music that you’ve made or found that I can legally use.