Dalvado's World

I think in the past six months since I last wrote, I’ve realised how out of touch with reality I really am. I should warn you that this post contains the views of someone who’s a little lost on the ways of the world and may include some trivial issues. It’s a tad long too so to make up for six months of no posting. Read on if you still want to know what’s going on.

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What a brilliant bit of planning that was. My previous post was meant to include my plans for the new year and I ended up talking about 2008 and vaguely hinting at 2009.

Obviously, getting up to stage four was mentioned as a target but it wasn’t my only one. Actually earning some money and working is something I look forward too (I’ll not go into the possibility of trudging away in a soul crushing job or having issues finding one). I hate doing nothing and I get bored if my mind doesn’t get a workout.

Another thing I really want to do is expand my social circle to include people who live nearby. Maybe I’m not going to be the wildly sociable type who parties every night and has a friend around every corner but I would like some closer contacts as my current circle doesn’t go beyond two feet. The thing is I have to get over the whole introduction thing and the amount of time I have to get used to someone before I come out of my shell. At the moment with new people I’m too quiet and reserved and as you read previously I have a few quirks that need ironing out. I act completely differently when around my closest family and the ones I’ve known the longest online, it’s mostly that personality that I feel is me. I’m fairly quick to respond in a conversation and my jokes usually work. Except I do cringe at how much of an annoying Colin Hunt-like character I can be when I try too hard. OK, maybe I get away with it if I say I’m being ironic. Yes, what a good idea that was writing out that thought.

Unleashing my creative side is another target I have. I really need to capitalise more on the free time I allot myself to write down the plans I have swimming around my head for several projects. Like the Surreal FM game I promised such a long time back and writing for a certain podcasting project. I’d even like to go back to writing short stories or full on novels that I wanted to do at one point a long time ago. I had a few things in draft form from the years before my depression set in. Again, I have ideas floating around in my head and it’s trying to encourage them to come out that has been difficult. Things have started to change in that area and I do get more ideas for stories or sketches that I used to get all that time ago. Hopefully I can carry on and start writing things down instead of just leaving it in my head.

I might also look into finding an amateur dramatics group and see if I can get the acting bug going again. If there’s one thing that’s helped (after clearing away other issues) with getting things going it’s treating going out and meeting people and serving people in the shop as a performance. I enjoyed drama classes at school and the escapism of it all so I hope maybe I could get the courage to go along to one. Now I hope no one thought I meant I was being a different personality or acting overboard or faking who I am with talk of performing there. It was merely the way I see myself projecting the confidence of the person I want to be. As bizarre as that may sound. Maybe I shouldn’t be digging any further…

There’s also hope here that I can get some more exercise done and in turn lose some weight. I wanted at one point to be walking in the local park once a day to get myself going. As you know that hasn’t worked out and my excuse has always been that I have to walk back up a steep hill to get back home. That – as everyone knows – is what you call willpower. I think I’ve finally gotten to a point where I’m used to the climb though and I think I might just manage a few more walks a week.

So there you have it, not your usual New Years Resolution list until the losing weight and exercise bit at the end.

Have a good 2009 everyone.

Here I am, typing away on New Year’s Eve and I’ve taken the time during a few spare moments this week to reflect on what’s happened in my life and overall while it may not have gone completely to plan, I could be fairly pleased what’s happened.

If anyone has read my four step plan in previous blog posts, then they’ll know that now I am sat right down on stage three. Although, strictly speaking stage two left hovering around for a while and told to get lost because it was holding everyone else up the making them uneasy to boot. In other words I hadn’t quite completed the “get going out every day and get a daily routine going” but I had built up the necessary stamina to be able to move onto Stage Three: Voluntary Work. Truth be told it was needed as I was feeling that I may have been dropping back into old habits and starting to lay stagnant in that stage.

Everything started surprisingly well after a long delay to the volunteering. I was starting to get into three afternoons a week and I was enjoying myself. As you know though, I hit a rough patch and dropped back a bit. I’ve been on and off during the last few months but at the beginning of December I was feeling better about things. My low days weren’t cropping up again and I was managing my bad mornings better than before. While I may not have been much during the last few weeks, I think that come the beginning of January I will be back to normal.

While the new year is a perfect time to reflect on the past year, I had been assessing myself a few weeks before anyway. Come January my six month assessment will be coming up and I’ll admit I don’t know what to make of things. On one hand I am able to go into a working environment and perform well enough. I’ll say “well enough” as you might know by now I’m not the best judge. With regard to how I cope with other people, it’s a bizarre situation. I’m able to put on a smiling face and friendly demeanour to customers yet I’m frustratingly shy towards other members of staff and volunteers in the shop. OK I keep friendly at all times but something is different. I also am terrible at introducing myself to new volunteers, I say hello but sometimes skip on the introduction. I use my trying to get my coat hung up, belongings in the locker and onto the shop floor as an excuse not to stand around. This then bugs me for the rest of the day as I appear rather rude towards said person. It must look especially odd if they see me merrily attending to customers at the counter. Such thoughts earlier on in the recent dip didn’t help me, along with the thoughts I was letting people down by saying I would turn up and subsequently not doing so. I absolutely hated having to phone up the shop and say I couldn’t make it. In fact I got into the terrible habit of not ringing up and then wanting to apologise about it. That’s another one of those circles of anxiety there for you folks. Thankfully I have people who are understanding of my situation, which helps me get back into things.

I mentioned the six month review earlier as that would be the milestone that I look at myself and asked the question “Could I move onto Stage Four: Employment?” It’s a very tricky situation at the moment as at this very moment in time my benefits review is up and I have a medical assessment at the beginning of the month. I’m anxious at being pushed too soon but I am also asking myself “Am I ready?” and “Would anyone else feel I’m ready?” I might take the plunge to see what can be done with a job broker or DWP programme to help me with work (Of course that won’t be easy with the looming period of unemployment coming up). I’ll admit that my September dip and the struggle to get back to where I was (along with the gloom everyone has with the recession) doesn’t make me 100% confident but I also think that when I am going into the shop, I’m happy enough and distracted enough to get on with things. I may not be as happy as I want to be (and that’s not the unrealistic 100% ) but I might be OK. I don’t know what to say really and the uncertainty causes a bit of anxiety when I start to think about it. As I keep saying on this blog, “I’ll just have to see”.

So 2008 has been OK for me progress wise. I did have to say Goodbye to my Great Grandmother and that was a very sad time for me and something that didn’t make it as good a year as it could have been. Here’s to 2009 being as good a year for everyone as it can be.

Happy New Year Everyone.

My previous post was full of optimism and obviously for a  good reason, I had just started my voluntary work and I had just been on a successful meet. Now though, a good two months after that last post I can’t say I can add any bright news. My mood has suddenly gone down again and in many respects I can’t explain why. There have been a few cases where it would be understandable but in others there isn’t anything that I can pinpoint.

My much loved great grandmother died in September and there’s one thing I regret and that was I hadn’t seen her for such a long time. Unfortunately, around the last time I saw her eight years ago I had started to drop into my deep depression years were I had just not done anything and then the anxieties of seeing someone I haven’t seen in some time had developed too. I was just on the verge of telling myself I was ready to visit my great grandmother again when she died.

During the last few months I have also been expected to find answers to family problems. I can’t even sort out my own problems at times and to have the expectations of others and have to be right and not cause a catastrophe by being wrong is a huge weight on my shoulders at the moment. By no means is this me making a mountain out of a mole hill, there are a few decisions some family members are wanting my help with which I seem to be the only person they are going to for help on some important issues and I can’t think of what to do. I dare not get it wrong as it may cause problems for them.

I’ve also had this great feeling of loneliness for over a month now. When I’d finish an afternoon at the charity shop I’d go home on the bus and start thinking about how lonely I really am. I’d see other people and while I don’t think everyone’s as happy as they seem, I still see other more sociable people together and at least having some company and enjoying it. I look at me and see someone who struggles to say much to anyone. I took the step of looking for guidance on small talk and making friends and while I get the concepts I can’t seem to do it in practice. I’ve even been struggling to get online and talk to people now. The online gaming world moves so quickly onto the next new game I can’t keep up with them and I’m left behind. Now, even though someone is playing something I have I don’t seem to go onto it. I just can’t seem to think what to play either and now just do nothing. Which some might say, “Oh, then you can go onto other interests now you’ve grown up then.”

Except that nothing at the moment seems to interest me. I don’t care for watching TV at the minute as very little interests me. Even when it does I can’t seem to drum up the enthusiasm to watch it. I’m so far behind on the stuff I do like. I don’t really know what music to look for either. Those who look at my last.fm profile can see it’s somewhat eclectic, downright bizarre in places but I do know what I like but never where to go. Yes, there are reviews and recommendations but I never get round to listening. Other interests like gadgets and computing I find myself whizzing through news stories without much care at the moment.

I’ve also faced failures in other ventures. I’ve found it difficult to be creative at the moment. I’ve had several projects on the go which I wanted to do but have stalled at the moment. My computer game project isn’t getting anywhere despite at least the odd idea still in my mind. I intended to do a podcast but that failed miserably because I didn’t think it through properly and also because I couldn’t recapture my sketch writing of many years back.

So there I am at the moment. I may have a few excuses to feel sad but the other matters like loneliness and the lack of creativity I just can’t explain at the moment. I should be still on the way up and yet I feel I’m stuck or falling back a bit. I’ve not been to the charity shop regularly now for a few weeks and I’m dropping into late mornings again.

I don’t mean this to be a cry for help to anyone reading. I don’t expect people to come rushing to me and give their sympathy. I’m just posting this to keep people informed in a quiet way. I just hope I’m not falling back again.

Bah! I’ve done it again and I’ve not posted anything for a few weeks, despite having something to write about!

On my last post thing’s weren’t going well and I had missed my first day at the charity shop. I really had to go in on Friday or it was possible that I would be thinking to myself "I’ve failed this too" and then that could have set things back again for me.

This time though I was prepared and amazingly I went out like a light on Thursday night. Friday morning I felt fresh and ready and despite this being my first day and having missed the actual first day my anxiety was quite low! I can’t explain that, maybe it was having actually stepped into the charity shop before that helped. All I can say is that my determination to get there overpowered my anxieties much like the time I went in before. I knew that in the beginning I would go through health and safety issues with the manager. That did happen for about forty-five minutes but then I was straight into the work, steaming clothes. Now for those who don’t know what this involves, it’s basically taking a device that looks like a vacuum cleaner with steam coming out of the hose and then using it like an iron on a piece of hanged clothing. Very simple really and obviously nothing too taxing, but passes the time and it’s preferable to me doing nothing. Next was sorting the large amount of donated clothes into those that go out into the store and those that go to rag. Now, as some might expect the selection criteria is quite strict, no marks and it must be good as new. However, even if it does go to rag they still get it collected and still get paid. So if you ever feel like donating old clothes, send them down no matter what as it’s still of use to the shops, well for the charity I help out it does anyway.

The second day was what I was initially worried about as I thought that I’d feel worn out or I’d lose the enthusiasm or that something would happen to spoil things for me. Again though, there was not a problem and I went in on Tuesday ready to go and not much anxiety in the way. So without detailing every second of the work I’ve done so far, basically I did back of the shop work like the clothes stuff, sorting other items like bric-a-brac, product price labelling and even taking stuff out to the front to display. On the social side I felt that things were going well, using the practice I’d gained going to meets and other situations to help me get by on small talk. Yes, I still think I think a little too much about what I say and when a conversation is going I still go blank when I feel I could say something. I’m not finding it too much of a problem though and I seem to be getting by in the shop without getting the feeling that someone doesn’t like me. Also, the people I work with are decent people who I get on with, so that helps a lot.

Which brings me to what happened Friday before last (the day before the Sheffield Meet), I asked the assistant manager something that I’d never thought I’d ask. I was actually feeling quite good about things and during a lull period of there being nothing to do, I asked about getting trained on the till. I suppose that there was a certain high at this point, something that has made me make certain spur of the moment decisions before. I hadn’t made any mistakes like one of my fears made me think I would and generally things felt good. Another reason might be that I thought on some occasions "hold on, if someone sees me in the back and I can’t go to the till and have to call someone trained to do so, that wastes time and maybe I could go instead so I’d be helping more". This was something I found out was given in good time after volunteering for so long. However, I was told it would be good to have a volunteer who was till trained to make things easier. I felt happy that at least she didn’t say "well, I don’t think you’re suited for it" or something along those lines. I went home and into the pre Sheffield Meet dinner rather happy and even remarked to Steve that I felt different that day, much better than I had in years. On Tuesday, I was told that after some steaming, I’d be trained for the till! Now was the crunch time as I would test how well I’d practiced my "act". It seemed to go well, I made the (expected) mistakes of a first timer while supervised but generally did a good first job on that day. In fact I was asked if I did retail before and when I said "No", there was some surprise as I was apparently good with the customers!

Now, I’m not going to get too excited about this. This particular achievement was part of something I had been working to. That of being able to cope with making friendly contact with a stranger which would only involve the kind of contact between a customer and a shop assistant. I’d practiced on the customer end and observed what most shop assistants did on their end. That’s the "act" of which I refer to, similar to that of what the serious character actors do, but without the critical acclaim or awards associated with it. No, no, I’m not saying I’m Phillip Seymour Hoffman or any other kind of actor before anyone thinks that. Neither is it an act in that I’m trying to be someone else, merely be a more confident interpretation of myself. Although if we were to get really deep then you could argue I am trying to be someone else. My head now hurts so maybe we should move on.

I have since had quite some practice on the till and even been left unsupervised. At the time of writing I’m waiting to find out how much damage I may have done on the tills. To add to the confusion of things, some items in the shop are bar coded while others are not and it’s that point which worries me as I think I may have not scanned stuff that I should have. I will probably find out soon whether I’ll be doing the rounds in the back again or worse!

OK, maybe I’m being a tad over-dramatic there but I get the feeling that something’s going to be brought up about some mistakes I’ve made on the Saturday afternoon that I went in. I just hope that it’s not enough to ruin things for me as I’ve been enjoying my time at the charity shop so far and would hate for something to go wrong and ruin the relationships I’ve made there.

I don’t want to end on a low note so I’ll add that due to my feelings on Friday night, the Sheffield Meet went rather well for me! Nothing much to add really, it was the same as before but with more mingling. I also found out I’m good at Street Fighter 2 if the opponents are inebriated in some way and I’ve been off the alcohol for several hours.

Well, it didn’t work out exactly as I planned.

I couldn’t sleep on Monday night, only really had light sleep as I kept waking up. I was feeling far too tired and I was feeling rather anxious. If I’m too tired I can’t fight the anxiety as well as I could on Friday so it was causing a problem. My attempts to manage the tiredness didn’t work and eventually I admitted defeat and rang the shop up and apologised for not making it.

Fingers crossed, Friday will be OK.

Finally, there is some good news!

I have a plan and I think I’ve just about made it to tier three. Just so you know, before I moved away from home I made a plan and tier one was moving away from my home town, tier two was to get out and about to be fit and ready to make it to tier three… going into voluntary work! Yes, after many delays and what I consider to be off schedule I have finally gotten myself a job in a charity shop. It’s been a good three months since I applied and I didn’t know what to do about trying to push things along when the manager was off at the same time I applied. I’m now on it though and as you saw on my Facebook status message on Friday, I was feeling very pleased with myself for once.

I have been having cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) since late April I think. I think some of the methods are working now thanks to some of the progress I’ve made. Yes, I had CBT a long time back but I was never able to follow up as I’d just be stuck back at home before and got nowhere. Now I’m able to remember what is being said and am less dismissive of my ability to follow. The CBT has basically been about looking at what causes the anxiety and then challenging it. Mostly this is through the use of diagrams and brainstorming. I’ve gradually been able to think through some of what I’m thinking and it’s lead to this next step being taken in my life. I had been set the task of not phoning the shop, but to actually make myself be present. This was proving to be tough for me, even though I had been into the shop for an informal chat before. The thoughts going through my head were those of "have I left  it too late?", "Am I being too inconsiderate?", "Am I nagging?", "I should know what I’m doing but I don’t". My first attempt failed as I was on the bus and as the stop came up to get off I found myself routed to the seat. Now, I could have forced myself off if the bus fare made me, but the fare I pay actually extends to the city centre so I could stay on until then. This allowed my mind to tell me to stay on and calm myself down and eventually forget about going. Which I couldn’t really do as so much as I wanted to as eventually it would come back to me and I’d be kicking myself for not doing it.

I gradually talked this over with my therapist and we looked at the effects of the anxiety and how to counter it. What helped this time was that I forced myself to walk to the chemist (I needed to go anyway) and after that I’d walk the short distance to the shop. I nearly turned back but this time I was telling myself that I must go, and that my thoughts were irrational and that I didn’t like it when others were irrational so why should I allow myself to be? So I was able to make it this time by being stronger before and using what I had been taught, along with my "scientific" side that was telling me to look at what I was thinking. Yes, that is indeed contradictory I realise that, but that’s what’s been so odd about me for a while. I was able to make it to the shop, ask what was going on and then just like that, I had been offered two shifts starting this week. I was a tad nervous and missed a joke being made, but I think I got away with it. Sure, I keep looking back at that, but the overall pride with getting through means I can put it aside.

Now I shall see how long it takes to get to tier four which is where things could get complicated: part-time paid work and education/training. I’ll probably need some career advice before that and there is one thing I’m worried about. I may be told something I don’t want to hear, yet I know that I am probably going to hear it. That the job I once felt I could do is well out of my reach now, because of my past problems with anxiety. Am I truly prepared for it?

Hello once again. It’s been a while hasn’t it? Well I’ll admit that I was starting to get wary of the essentially posting the same kind of story every time. The usual “tired, bored, depressed, getting nowhere” theme was cropping up. While that could be seen as the point of the blog to air things out so to speak, I was thinking it might not make the best reading.

So what have I been doing all this time? Well there’s been another forum meet that went OK. I think I stuck to the same corner again, but it was hardly a disaster. I think I could make a graph of people at meet versus communication from myself and there’d be some exponential relationship there somewhere. As in, the more there the quieter I get. I think the next one is going to have a fair few there I don’t know too well and with it being summer it’ll be a big turnout. Jon will be there though so I may have someone to bounce off. I’ll find out how it goes on Saturday 26th July.

In other social news, my brother took me to see a Daniel Kitson standup show. At first I’d never heard of him and even being told “he was in Phoenix Nights” I was none the wiser after seeing a small picture of him with a beard. He was Spencer who was behind the bar in the second series. I’d say that he’s a very geeky kind of act and his humour appeals to that element in me. As I said to my brother at the time, it was comedy “for people that think too much” and for that I rate him rather highly. There were jokes about the horror of having to deal with cocky youths on the bus and helping old ladies. Perhaps this form of comedy, with the constant worry of doing the right thing and the protocol you think people expect were what appealed to me most. I’d say that the laughter was fairly constant so it appealed to the rest of the audience anyway. If you see him doing a show somewhere, I’d recommend you get in there and see him. I am told though that while he’s not that well known, he does have a tendency to sell out and it’s difficult to get tickets, so get in early.

On that night, my brother had brought his friends along. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting this and there wasn’t a complete disaster for me. Just one factoid on Charlie Higson being the writer of the early James Bond books was enough for me to get by and for the rest of the time I was able to keep quiet and let my brother and his mates go on. Perhaps not the best way to go about things, but I do have difficulty getting in when everyone else knows each other so well and talk about their shared experiences. Maybe that’s the same for everyone.

Job-wise I’ve gotten off the ground a bit by searching for voluntary work and actually found a place and applied. At the moment though I’m waiting for a response. Maybe at some point I will enquire, but I’m possibly dragging my feet a bit as this is alien territory for me. My excuse for waiting so long is that the manager was off at the time I sent it in and she needed written responses from two sponsors so I’m accounting for the time to write and get back and so on. This being a charity shop, they need assurances that I’m not a danger. As you can see it’s a retail job and my thinking was this would be OK for improving my social skills. I do have my doubts at times though as to how suitable I may really be. Maybe I’d be better doing a quieter desk based job where I could work away unhindered? I’m intending to find out what’s going on at some point this week or next.

I think that’s about it for now. Sorry again for the long wait if you keep popping by. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m only being read by occasional passers by and spam bots at the moment.

Until next time.